#if i cannot share this emotion through drawing i will ramble

[thedrotter]

One of my favorite things about how Re:Kinder is written and how it tackles its themes is the way that Yuuichi and Shunsuke can be seen as parallels to each other. Shunsuke could have easily ended up like Yuuichi, feeling trapped in his pain and eventually breaking down. And the knowledge of that makes Shunsuke choosing to be kind to him in order to be kinder to himself really meaningful. That could have easily been him, so despite how he did not owe that kindness to the kid who killed his mother, the kindness just goes to show the strength of his resolve to be kinder even to the person he could have ended up as.

Albeit in a different way I think Killer End also showcases it in a way as well, with Shunsuke murdering Yuuichi for all the pain he endured because of him. It showcases how he too, if broken over, could end up committing such acts...

This also works viceversa. Yuuichi, in a better world, might have managed to fool his pain and anger successfully and keep moving on. But his unfortunate circumstances only led him to fall deeper into that despair. You can see him attempt to lighten up painful situations through acting absurdly, but ultimately being unable to fool himself once he falls victim to the helpless belief that this pain was entirely his own fault.

[a-spes]

| DEVIOUS LIES — Part two (8.790 words).

| Summary — Anon Request — When your friend asked you out for a drink, you didn't think much about it. Yet, maybe you should've, because that night ruined your life. It has been two years, and you can't stop think about what you lost. Your job, your friends, your lover, and even your mind was left in that motel room.

| Tags & warnings — Avenger!Natasha Romanoff x Avenger!Reader, AoS!OC x Avenger!Reader, Other Avengers, angst without comfort, cheating, mental health issues, suicidal ideations, self depreciation, mentions of SA&SH, manipulation, toxic relationship (OCxR), revenge porn, use of drugs.

| Author's notes — I don't know how I feel about that second part, i'm not sure i like it, but now it's written it costs me nothing to share. So here we are. I can just hope that I managed to convey, at least a little, the emotions I wanted to. And, most importantly, take care of yourself.

| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING

| Part one. Part two. Part three.

Almost a year has gone by, and it means one thing: in a few weeks, it’s going to be Natasha's birthday, again. The woman is not sure how she feels about it. She never really had a birthday before she joined the Avengers, and despite the years that have passed since, she still feels a certain awkwardness at this time of the year. Especially as the boys tended to do too much.

She could only pretend to match their enthusiasm. A slight smile spreads across her face as she takes a sip from her drink, staying silent. She has been listening to her teammates talking about her birthday’s party for almost half an hour now. She stopped trying to avoid it a long time ago, when she realized how much they enjoyed organizing this stupid party. She can deal with anything they’re going to come up with if she gets to see their smiles in exchange. Her sentence won’t last more than a few hours, but the memories are going to stick with them for eternity, and it has no price.

"Wait, you know what?” someone asked. It was Clint, and by the mischievous smile on his face, the redhead already knew that she wouldn't appreciate the next words that are going to come out of his mouth. “I think we should have the mascot come over again," he added, his eyes not leaving hers. "What? It was funny to have a cartoon version of you running around," he defended himself when he saw her glance darkening.

"You know what? Do whatever you want," she mumbled, “it’s not as if you were asking for my opinion anyway,” she eventually gave in. Sometimes, you have to know how to pick your battles, and that is one she definitely cannot win, not when all the others seem to appreciate the idea.

"That’s such a great idea!” one exclaimed, and this time it was Peter Parker, “Mr. Stark, do you think they would accept to come again?” he asked the man.

"Obviously!" Tony replied without an ounce of hesitation, laughing at the question. The man thought it was a stupid thing to ask, "she likes you too much to miss your birthday,” he explained, pointing at the redhead while saying those words. "What? She pretends it’s not true, but I know she is lying. I can see right through her and, believe me, she’ll be here,"  he explained when he noticed the confused looks of his teammates.

"Who’s she?" a voice asked, cutting short to Tony’s rambling. That’s the question that has been on everyone’s minds, but that no one dared to ask out loud, except for one of them — And it hasn’t been Natasha, it is Steve that spoke first.

On the contrary, the woman remained silent because she didn’t need words to express herself, a silent conversation taking place between the billionaire and her through a simple glance. Even if she already has her suspicions, and is almost sure that she knows the answer to that question, she wants him to say it, refusing to believe it otherwise.

The moment she saw the box, she was intrigued by it, something drawing the woman to the small package that no one claimed as theirs. It’s almost as if it came out of nowhere, no one knowing who left it here, or what may be inside the black box. At first, she thought it was some joke, but she knew they were being honest when saying they had nothing to do with the gift. And if she had expected a lot of things to be wrapped in the red ribbon, she definitely wasn’t ready for a ghost from her past to emerge from it.

A quick glance before she suddenly closes the box again, that’s all it took for the redhead to know who was behind that gift. The only thing she could think about was how — How did it happen without any of them noticing your presence? Despite the appearances, and the smile she was trying to keep on, the woman was shaken — Why would you do that, more than two years after your break up? Could it be that you are that desperate?

"Is everything okay?" Clint asked, being the only one to seem to notice a change in Natasha’s behavior. At least, everyone had enough restraint to not ask the question that burns their lips — What’s inside the box?

She wouldn’t have answered if one of them had asked. She wouldn’t even have opened the gift if she had known that it was from you, and that’s probably why you left it on the table, avoiding giving it to her directly. Smart girl, she thought. At first sight, the woman couldn’t tell it was coming from you but there was no doubt remaining once she saw the content — There is only one person on Earth that cares enough to give her such a gift. A person that constantly looks after her, guessing what the redhead wasn’t telling.

A person that she used to love. 

A person that couldn’t be here, was she? The woman can’t help but glance around but she can’t find your face. What was she expecting anyway? To see you in the corner of the room with a bright smile and your arms open for her to throw herself in a hug? That was stupid, and so is the hint of hope she felt when she opened the box. The others told her many times she has to turn the page, but she doesn’t seem ready to let you go. Even after two years, she is still craving your presence as much as before.

The thought of it puts to shame the redhead who knows she shouldn’t hold on to the past, especially when the past in question has a pretty face and breaks her heart. Even after what you’ve done to her, she has spent hours crying, praying for you to come back. Even after listening to the others assuring her that she deserves better, she couldn’t forget how you’ve always been the most caring, and strong, and beautiful person she has ever met in her life. 

You weren’t horrible. Were you? 

Sometimes, she thinks you are a monster. 

Sometimes, she thinks she is, for not listening to you that day. 

That day, she let her anger speak for her, something she swore she would never do again. When she started to realize that, maybe, she should’ve listened to your version of the events, it was too late. At the time, she couldn’t bear to hear the sound of your voice or see your voice, but after two years, as the memory of it starts to fade away, she surprised herself to miss it. 

Except that Fury had refused to tell her where you were. She tried to ask nicely, to beg, and even to threaten the man, but none of it worked. He said that you needed time, that you’ll be back when you are ready, not before. Despite her frustration, the woman accepted it. After all, she is the one to blame, the one that puts herself in such a situation. She could only hold on to the fact that, one day, you’ll be back. Right? As the days go by, the likelihood of ever seeing you again is gradually diminishing. Some nights, when she can’t sleep, she stays up, eyes fixed on her laptop’s screen — Maybe she could give fate a helping hand? She knows she could find you easily. Yet, despite her urge to do it, she has always ended up closing her laptop without starting the research. 

She has to trust Fury, she repeats to herself. Even if she sometimes disagrees with the man, even if it’s frustrating, she has to believe him when he says that you are safe.

Some other nights, all she can feel is anger, and hatred. The redhead is lost, and scared, again, something she never thought she would feel again the day you two met. What if it was true, and you really cheated on her? Then, you could do it again if she forgives you, because history always repeats itself, and you are no exception to the rules of the universe. She knows how people tend to promise a lot of things that they don’t mean, especially when they are desperate, which is exactly what you’ve been that day. She couldn’t forget the look on your face when she dragged you out of the building, the despair in those bright eyes, glistening with tears. This is the only thing she can remember when she thinks about you. Not the good moments you’ve shared, only the brutality of the end of your relationship. 

You've abandoned her, and so did she.

It has been three since she last saw you, and almost a year since her birthday party, but the woman couldn’t stop thinking about it. She didn’t take the gift, leaving the jewelry in the box, and the box on a shelf. She hasn't touched it since. How could she when just the sight of it was already too much to bear?

Every day, when she wakes up, it is one of the first things she sees, and one of the last when she goes to sleep. If it doesn’t feel right to the woman to take the gift, it doesn’t feel right to throw it in the bin either, so it stayed here as a constant reminder of what she has done. Every time she thinks she is finally over it, the box rekindles her doubts. There are some things she can’t quite understand about the situation, and why you would give her such a gift, two years after she kicked you out, is one of them.

Maybe it was a poisoned gift. Maybe it was a sick trick to make her feel guilty, a way to get her to crawl back to you. Beside these possibilities, she couldn’t think of any others that were likely, and she was afraid to admit that your plan was working. The box was a permanent reminder of your existence, something she couldn’t get herself to give away because of those dumb feelings she was experiencing. Somehow, she was holding on to that last piece of your years together after she threw away everything else with the help of the team.

The pictures, the clothes, the gifts, even your favorite cutlery has been burned a few days after you left them. It is almost as if you’ve never stepped a foot into the building, as if you’ve never existed. The woman was fine with the idea of pretending that nothing happened — She was fine with the idea of erasing every remaining part of your relationship.

Except that black box. It is stupid how she hangs onto that last proof of the relationship she once had with you. She had burned everything, but she couldn’t get herself to do the same with that gift. Maybe because she knew that she could never erase you completely from her life. She surely could pretend, it is a game she is really good at, but you would always be on the back of her mind because memories don't go away as easily as objects do.

Since she had opened the box, doubt had been creeping inside of her — What if? What if she has been wrong the whole time? What if she should have listened to you? Give you a second chance? That day, her reaction had been dictated by anger and hatred, feelings that still inhabit her soul, but have faded over the years. For two years, she had been sure that she made the right choice — At least, that’s what everyone kept telling the woman, and she listened to their comforting words.

But since she opened the box, she was no longer sure of anything. She wasn’t the one that wanted you gone in the first place. She surely needed a bit of space before being able to talk with you properly, but only a few days, maybe a few weeks, not two years, and definitely not more than that. That little box only worsened her doubt because who would be desperate enough to still cling to the person they betrayed, years after the events? A person truly in love. She had kept her doubts for herself before that day. If she is almost sure of the identity of the person who gave her the box, because there is only one person on that planet that cares enough to gift her something so meaningful, there are still a lot of questions to which she doesn’t have the answers — For example, how did you manage to sneak into the building without everyone knowing? She now knows that someone knew the whole time.

“Tell me,” she firmly asked the man, leaving little room for discussion.

No one pointed out the thing he has said about the mascot, the subject of the conversation quickly changed after that. Except, while they were talking about which flavor the cake should be, Natasha could think of nothing but Tony’s words — “She likes you too much to miss your birthday”, “she pretends it’s not true but I know she is lying.” So when everyone eventually decided to go back to their rooms, around two in the morning, she stayed a bit longer in the common room in hope of getting some information.

“Sorryy, I can’t, I don’t know anything,” the man replied, indifferent to her tone, “anything at all,” he repeated, chuckling like a child who has done something wrong. 

The woman sighs, pinching her nose as she takes a deep breath, trying to not lash out her frustration on the man. The conversation isn’t exactly going the way she had hoped, Tony refusing to answer her question no matter how many times she has already asked. She even tried to blackmail him, but he was persistent in pretending that he didn’t know anything. When he almost falls on the ground trying to get a few steps back, it has been the last straw for the woman. Gladly, someone entered the room before she could hit him so hard that it would have sobered him in an instant.

"Is everything okay?" the voice asked, and both of them immediately shut up to turn their heads toward the woman who just entered the room, Astrid. She is leaning in the doorway, her gaze alternating between Tony and Natasha.

She hates her. Not as much as she hates you, but she still feels resentful toward the agent. When she smiles, when she speaks, even when she is just here, existing, the woman can’t help but hate her from the depths of her heart. Gladly, she rarely sees her, as an agent of the S.H.I.E.L.D., she is only around when they have outstanding missions. If Natasha had a choice, she would’ve thrown her away with you that day. 

"She wants me to admit that her girlfriend was the one in the costume," he immediately replied, "but sshht, we can’t let her know that!" he added, holding his index finger in front of his mouth for a few seconds before leaving the room giggling. 

"I know what happened," she eventually said when she noticed that Natasha was about to leave after a few seconds when they glanced at each other in silence. "Th- That night, in the motel room~," she added, her voice being hesitant. Those words made the redhead stop in her tracks.

"If you're about to rub in my face how you've ruined my life, you can shut up," she immediately cut her, not wanting to listen to the woman, not if it’s to tell her about how she fucked the woman she loves. Her voice was full of anger, just like the murderous look in her eyes. The only thing that prevented the woman from immediately leaving the room was the thing she saw in the other’s eyes. Her attitude betrayed her emotions, a mix of guilt, sadness, and shame, which aroused her curiosity. 

With a nod, she ordered her to continue.

That morning, as many others, you are woken up by your girlfriend’s gentle touches, her fingers slowly tracing circles on your stomach. A hum of satisfaction escapes your lips before your turn around, nuzzling your head further into the crook of her neck.

How could you have known it would be the last time? How could you have possibly guessed that the routine you’ve got used to would be broken so quickly?

Every morning, it is the same thing, and while the former spy has no problems getting up early, you definitely can’t say the same for yourself. She is always awake before you are and, even if she had never admitted it, you are sure that she takes a few minutes to observe your sleeping form. She loves seeing you so peaceful and calm, being able to have a glimpse of your face without those worry lines, without the marks of your anxieties. 

She is always the one who wakes you up, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. There is no better way to start a day than Natasha’s sweet words and caresses. It’s her fault if you never want to get out of bed, wishing every morning that you could stay in that bed, next to her, for the rest of your life. Sometimes, you suggest that you tell the others you are sick, just to spend a day together, but she just laughs, dismissing your idea.

But all the good things must come to an end, right?

"It's time to get up, milaya," she softly said in your ear, her breath tickling your skin, "Astrid won't be happy if you are late again," she added when the only answer you gave her was a groan of discontent.

"They won't say anything if I am late once, it's okay", you mumbled, her words not being enough to convince you to leave the comfort of her arms. 

Especially when you realize that there is nothing to get excited about the day ahead of you, in perspective, only hours spent in an office, listening to men who think they know everything better than you do. Today, you are supposed to attend an important meeting alongside Astrid, and you still don’t know why you volunteered. The thought of the paperwork and the efforts that you will have to put in pretending that you are actually happy to be here definitely don’t worth your pay.

Except that you’ve lied to Natasha, and she knows it. This is definitely not the first time that you are being late, it happens almost every day, to the point that the day you are in time can probably be counted on your hands. Gladly, when you are coming in the S.H.I.E.L.D.’s quarters, it's Astrid who’s your supervisor, and she appears to also be your best friend. Most of the time, she is kind enough to accept to close her eyes on your delays. Today, you came in only ten minutes late, and the woman was somehow impressed, expecting you to be later than that.

“You’re late, again,” she replied, obviously waiting for an excuse that you don't have. She would know if you are lying to her, and you don't have the energy for that kind of game today, and you could see that the woman neither. She was starting to get tired of every day starting with the same bullshit coming from your mouth.

“I am so, so, sorry,” you said to her for what may be the tenth time since you’ve entered the office. She is walking fast, and you are trying to catch up with the black-haired woman, who is also your superior within the S.H.I.E.L.D. “Please, don’t tell Fury,” you begged, but all she did was roll her eyes, and give you a file when you eventually reached her office. You quickly glanced at it before closing it again, your attention focused on the woman, “Astrid, I am serious. He is going to give me more paperwork if you do. Or worse. Imagine if he forces me to train the new recruits, you know I can’t do that again. Please, …,” you added, looking at her imploringly.

“And what do I have in exchange?” she sighed, turning around to look at you, one eyebrow raised. Despite her serious expression, you know she was trying to not laugh. She may be your boss, but above all she is your friend, and you both know that she would never tell Fury about your delays. Even if she has threatened you to do so a few times in the past, she has never actually done it. Yet, this time she felt like she needed something in exchange, she had covered for you enough time for free, and you were happy to thank your friend with whatever she may want.

“Anything you want!” you replied, desperate but no less honest. 

“Tonight, after work, you pay me a drink, deal?” she asked after pretending to think for a few seconds. In reality, she already knew what she wanted from you. She has thought about asking you out since the moment you met, something you’ve never noticed, always reducing her to the role of a friend, and not keeping up on the clues she was leaving you. Tonight, however, she will be clearer than she has ever been.

“Deal!” you immediately said, accepting the proposal without thinking twice about it. "Thank you. Thank you so, so much. You are the best," you added, kissing your friend on the cheek before leaving the room quickly, a sight that made the woman chuckle.

It is a deal that makes you both happy. You have met Astrid at the Academy, when you were both trainees that dreamed of joining the S.H.I.E.L.D. without even knowing if you were good enough for that. The two of you quickly became close — That’s the kind of thing that happens where you are the only two females of your promotion. Either you hate each other over your dead bodies, or you grow so close that you become inseparable. 

Except that, since you've both achieved your dreams and joined S.H.I.E.L.D, something changed in your relationship. It wasn’t your fault, nor hers, that you had less time to see each other, your jobs taking a lot of your time and energy. Then you've been assigned on a long-term mission with the Avengers, and you’ve spent less time at the S.H.I.E.L.D.’s quarters despite still working for the organization. Then you've met Natasha, and you feel like you’ve slightly grown apart from each other after you’ve announced to her your new relationship. On the whole, you had less time to spend with your best friend, and the promises to make up for the lost time have never been kept, not until today. That deal was the perfect occasion to spend a bit of time together outside of the office work.

You both really hoped that this night would make things back as they were before.

"You know, I love her," she confessed to the redhead, her voice being barely louder than a whisper as she felt tears filling her eyes. "Since the day we met, I have loved her. That's what I told her, that night, when we went out," she admitted, and Natasha felt her heart pounding in her chest, her hands were shaking with apprehension, “but she rejected me. She loves you so much, too much," she sadly chuckled, but the redhead felt no relief when she heard those words because they were not explaining the pictures. She can't cry, not now, not in front of that woman.

"Continue," she ordered, feeling that the woman had more to say than that. She already knew that Astrid loved you, you may be the only one that hadn't seen it, or maybe you were pretending, or maybe you were blinded by your love for Natasha.

"I didn't plan to do that, you know," she started, carefully looking at the spy, "but I was so desperate that night, and I-," she said, except she was unable to finish her sentence, the words stuck in her throat.

The past three years, she had kept the truth a secret. At first, she thought it was better that way. The woman was ashamed of her actions, and she was relieved when heard that you’ve been transferred to another department, and she thought that her secret would be safe. Except that, if everyone acted as if you’ve never existed, her mind didn’t allow her to forget. Every hour of every day, you were in her mind, and the longer she thought about that night, the biggesther guilt became, until the burden was too heavy to bear. Tonight, hearing them argue about you, has been the last straw.

“What did you do?” she asked, sensing that something was wrong. She didn’t like the feeling that was creeping inside of her, “what. did. you. do.?” she asked once again, but more firmly that time, when the other didn’t immediately answer her question. As she saw the hesitation, she reduced the distance between them in a second, her hand gripping the collar of Astrid’s shirt that she pins to the wall abruptly, “tell me. Now,” she insisted as the interaction only reinforced the bad feeling she had.

That morning, unlike the others, you woke up alone. There haven’t been the gentle caresses of your girlfriend to wake you up, nor her sweet words to coax you into getting up. No, that day, it was only yourself, draped into the cold sheets, and it felt so strange, the silence and the loneliness of the room. Sadly, it has not been the exception you’ve wished it would be, but only the first of too many mornings like that.

In the sleepy state you were in, it took you a few seconds to realize that something was wrong, and almost a minute before you noticed that you weren’t home. You couldn’t even recognize the place you were in, only knowing that it looked like a hotel, a shitty one if you might say. The room was small, simple, and not-so-comfortable. There was something in the ambience that gave you an uneasy feeling about the whole thing, but you were unable to say what it was exactly.

Your head is throbbing, and you are definitely feeling nauseous, but you know that’s not the problem. Your physical distress isn’t the cause of the weight on your chest, the one that makes your breath aching, it’s something else that your mind can’t comprehend yet. It’s all these inconsistencies. The missing memories of last night, the unknown room, the fact that you are alone,... you don’t remember drinking that much last night. You may not be the most responsible person that planet has known, but you know how to handle yourself. Usually. 

Could you have possibly drunk that much? 

The day has barely started, but you already know it is going to be a rough one. If only you knew how right you were, maybe you would have taken a few more hours of sleep, enjoying the comfortable peace of your old life a bit longer before joining the chaos. Yet, you had no means to guess that your day would go that way. 

It's a note left on the bedside table that answered all your questions, easing some of the worries that were creeping inside of you. Someone has written the following words : “Couldn’t get you home because of how drunk you were. don’t worry about being late today, I won’t tell Fury. however, had to go on a mission, be careful when you go home. I left you a bit of money, it should be enough to pay for the room and an Uber. Love you.” The message might not have been signed, but you can easily recognize Astrid’s handwriting. A smile spreads across your lips as you are reassured, the situation not being as bad as your mind made it look.

Some memories of last night flew back in your mind, but it’s only a glimpse of what happened, a lot of the events staying unknown to yourself. The last thing you can remember is the conversation you had with Astrid, when she admitted that she loved you and you replied that you too, thinking she meant as friends because you couldn’t see her any other way, not when you were already engaged in a relationship. The rest of the exchange is confused, and you are not sure what’s real and what has been made up by alcohol. Even today, you are still not sure. 

Maybe you’ve really drunk too much that night.

Knowing that you’ve been with Astrid the whole time was reassuring, and you are no longer as bothered by the absence of memories. For a moment, you thought you'd been kidnapped by some weird man. As you regain your composure, your thoughts become clearer and you decide that the first thing you should do is to send a message to your girlfriend. She must be so worried, and your heart aches at the thought that you might be a source of problem for the woman you love.

It is not your kind to not keep your promises, and you’ve told her you would be home last night. It is not your kind either to not answer her messages or calls. In reality, you are quite the opposite, always sending her hundreds of messages when you are out with your friends. The only reason she hasn’t got after you is because she knew you were with Astrid, and she trusted you. However, the sweet messages are going to have to wait because, when you try to turn your phone on, you only encounter a black screen, a sign that you’ve run out of battery. Obviously, your friend didn’t think to leave you a charger.

You sigh, admitting your defeat. Shaking your phone surely won’t change the situation. For the moment, there is nothing more you can do, except hoping that Natasha won’t be too angry. As you are getting ready, your mind is focused on how to earn the redhead’s forgiveness — Maybe you could stop to buy her some flowers? You hate it, when the two of you are arguing. It doesn’t happen a lot, but it’s never pretty, and the mere thought that it might happen was already hurting.

As you definitely couldn’t go back to the compound by yourself, not knowing how far you were and being in a pitiful state, you decided to use the money left by Astrid to call a cab, as she instructed you to do. It’s not before you enter the car that you realize how late you actually were. It is almost one in the afternoon, and if you are not an early riser, like your girlfriend who is always up by six at the latest, you rarely get up after ten.

It has been a thirty minutes drive back to the compound, and the whole time you were thinking about two things: taking a shower, and leaning into your girlfriends’ arms. You are so exhausted, physically and mentally, that you’ve decided to skip work today — You were already so late that it wouldn’t make a big difference anyway. The journey was long, and those thirty minutes felt like hours. 

Soon enough, you started to suffocate into your own mind, then skin. You felt so sweaty, and dirty, that it quickly became unbearable. Maybe it was the effects of the alcohol, or maybe because you’ve slept in a seedy motel, but the only thing you wanted was to get rid of the clothes you were wearing and the uncomfortable state you were in as soon as possible.

When you enter the compound, you find it empty, and so is the room you are sharing with the woman. If you frown, you don’t think much about it. If the building is rarely empty, it sometimes happens when emergencies are called. A whine escapes your lips as you realize that, if it’s true, they are going to be mad at you for not being here when they needed it. You can already feel your mind losing itself to self-hatred thoughts, as you mutter to yourself how stupid you are. You are going to need more than a few flowers to earn their forgiveness. The fact that JARVIS confirmed that everyone was at the S.H.I.E.L.D.'s quarters didn’t, you would have preferred to hear that they went to the restaurant without you rather than that.

Tears brimming your eyes, you quickly put your phone to charge. It is only when you get out of the shower, twenty minutes later, that you saw the missed calls and messages from Natasha. The most recent ones were sent a few minutes ago. There were too many of them for you to take time to read everything so you just sent her a quick text that said: “sorry, my battery was dead, and I couldn’t answer your calls. I’ll explain everything, I promise. see you soon. love you.” A message she saw but she didn’t answer, which is unusual and an obvious hint of how angry she probably is.

Despite your decision to not work today, you still end up in the S.H.I.E.L.D.’s quarters. You are almost running in the corridors, going to the meeting room where you find your girlfriend, and the rest of the Avengers. When you stumble into the room, a deadly silence descends. None of them greeted you, and the only reaction you got was Fury’s nod when you started mumbling excuses for your late arrival. While your eyes immediately landed on the redhead, she didn’t glance at you once of the entire meeting. The sight made your heart sink. You love her, but you have to admit that the spy is scary when she has that stern expression on her face, one that leaves no room for discussion.

The safest decision was to sit on the furthest chair, leaving her space until you get the opportunity to explain yourself. Something that you hadn't had a chance to do before a few more hours, when you stumbled into her in the corridors. You have been lost in your mind, having a hard time focusing on your work. Earlier, when the meeting ended, she immediately left the room, not leaving you a chance to exchange a word with her, and it has been bugging you since.

“Please, wait,” you said, already begging the woman. When she heard your voice, she stopped, allowing you to gently grab at her arm so she didn't go. She could, if she wanted to, and a part of her did want to run away, but the rest of her knows that this conversation can’t be avoided. “Listen, I- I am sorry,” you started once you were sure she was willing to listen to your excuses, “I should have warned you, but I couldn’t, my phone’s battery was dead and, and- honestly? I don't remember much of what happened last night. All I know is that once was enough. It won't happen again,” you chuckled sadly. When you woke up that morning, you promised to yourself that it was the last time you drank that much. A promise you kept, and three years later, you still haven’t touched a bottle of alcohol. “I promise, 'tasha. Please, don't be mad at me for that, or at least tell me how I can make up for my mistake,” you said, and the woman knew she had heard enough.

“Seriously?” she scoffed, breaking free of your grip. “I can’t believe you are that stupid,” she said, as she started to walk away. But if she didn’t want to hear the sound of your voice any more, you, however, weren’t done yet.

"I know I’ve made a mistake, but I am fine, isn’t it the most important?” you asked, starting to follow. Except that, when she heard your steps in her back, she accelerated her pace. “I promise to be more careful next time but, you know, I can handle myself for one night. Well, I might have drunk a bit too much, but Astrid was wi~,” you tried to explain, except she cut short your ramblings. To say, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but the woman quickly cut you. She scoffed again, in disbelief this time.

"You are really stupid, aren't you?” she said, stopping in her tracks, and you almost ran into her, surprised by her sudden stop. A few more seconds passed before she turned around to face you, her posture matching her stern expression. “Do you think I don't know what happened last night, with Astrid? Do you really think I wouldn’t have known the truth?” she added, taking a step forward for every question she asked, and you took one back every time, until your back hit the walls. You would certainly have found the situation hot if she didn’t look like she was about to murder you.

“W- what?” you said, “you are mad because I went out with a friend. That’s the problem? Astrid is the problem?" you snapped, starting to feel frustrated about the whole situation. 

You are tired, and the only thing you’ve wanted to do since you opened your eyes that morning — Throwing yourself in your girlfriend’s arms — was impossible to do. You hadn’t expected the woman to give you such a hard time. You knew she could be jealous sometimes, you’ve already had arguments about that in the past, but you’ve always been understanding because you know that her jealousy isn’t caused by a lack of trust. This feeling is fuelled by her own insecurities and past. Except that, that time, it was too much. The way she wouldn't listen to your excuses is seriously hitting on your nerves.

"Don't you dare to lie to me,” she said. For a moment, you thought she was going to hit you, but she took a step back before she could do that. She was angry too, taking deep breaths in an attempt to ease the feeling. “I trusted you,” she eventually added but her tone was different — The anger left her voice, replaced by pain. “I trusted you and, most importantly, I loved you,” she whispered, turning around to see you one last time. “After everything I have done for you, I can't believe that's how you are thanking me. You know, I really thought you were different, better," she laughed, trying very hard to not throw you against the walls or worse, to cry. The most insufferable was the look in your eyes, the false innocence. She was tired of pretending, she had given you enough chances to tell her the truth, “but you’re not,” but now, she was done trying.

That is the last time the two of you talked. The next time you’ve seen her, she hasn’t been kind enough to let you have a chance to explain things. She was done trying, and so were you. The last words she said are still ringing in your head, even years later. Maybe if you'd chased her once again that day, things would have ended differently, but you haven’t moved. You couldn’t, petrified by the conversation that just took place, you have just watched the redhead walking away without glancing back.

It’s only when you enter the break room that you understand the whole conversation you had with Natasha. No one was here, but the walls had been covered with pictures of yourself. At first, you thought it was a prank from your teammates’ but the pictures were all but innocent. You felt your heart sink when you took down one of the photos to get a closer look at it, and tears in your eyes when you realized that you were nude in those.

It was you, in bed, with Astrid. Your face doesn’t entirely show but you can easily recognize yourself and the bed you’ve woken up in that morning. There were dozens of different pictures, but all showed similar scenes: your bodies against each other as you are obviously sharing an intimate moment. Something that you should only share with one person on that Earth. A person that is definitely not Astrid. 

Except that the more you look at those pictures, the more foreign they feel. You are sure you are the one in the pictures, but you are still unable to remember what happened. Slowly, doubt creeps into your heart — Did you drink that much last night? 

So much that you betrayed the woman you swore to love until the sun dies? 

You feel tears welling up in your eyes. You are suddenly overwhelmed by a bunch of emotions that you can’t describe, but that are definitely not pleasant. It is a mix of confusion, anger, guilt, and disgust. The pictures speak for themselves, and they leave little room for doubt about what you were doing — And you were surely not just sleeping. The woman was on top of you, her mouth closed to your neck, maybe she was leaving soft kisses against your skin, maybe she was whispering sweet things in your ears, you don’t know. But the thing you were focused on was her hand hidden by the sheets, leaving only your imagination to complete the scene. It wasn’t the only picture of that kind: they were all picturing similar scenes. You can easily understand her rage and hatred earlier because you are now sharing those feelings with your girlfriend, just for different reasons.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" a voice said, pulling out of your mind. It was Astrid, who just entered the room. She glanced around before looking back at you, a sad smile spreading on her lips when she notices the tears that are soaking your face. and you saw Astrid entering the room. She looks around, a sorry look on her face. "I am sorry,” she started, and you could feel she was looking for the right thing to say, “I- I sent the pictures to the wrong person. When I realized, I tried to explain to Romanoff but, well… you know how she is,” she explained, shrugging as if she was trying to make you believe she had actually tried to, “she wouldn't listen to me, and they- they did that before I could stop them. It doesn’t please me either," she added, reminding you that you weren’t the only one suffering from the situation. Except she seemed to deal with the situation better than you do. As she talked, she slowly walked closer to you, accompanying each of her sentences with a few steps forward until she was close enough to wrap you in her arms. 

You didn’t get the energy to push her away.

"Did we.. ?" you asked, but your voice broke before you could finish your sentence. It felt too difficult to say those words out loud — “Did we hook up? Did I cheat on Natasha?” But the woman doesn’t need the words to be said, she seems to read in your mind the end of your sentence.

"Of course we did, what kind of question is that?" she replied, frowning. She seems to be surprised by your question. For a second, the hand that was slowly caressing the back of your head stopped. The woman pulled back a little, just so she could see your face. "Why? Do you regret it?" she asked, and for an instant she seemed to be genuinely worried about your reaction, "because you didn't seem to last night, when you cried my name,..." she whispered in your ear. You could feel her breath tickling your skin but it wasn’t a pleasant feeling, unlike when Natasha does it.

Everything felt so much. Her voice, her touch, her presence so close to you, was now unbearable. As she remembers the night you’ve spent, a soft smirk spreads on her lips, but you are definitely not sharing her feelings. “Of course we did.” The words loop back into your mind, it seeps in like a poison that quickly takes over your whole being. Soon, you are paralyzed by an awful feeling. It hurts, but at the same time you are not sure you are actually feeling something, your body and mind feeling so foreign to you — If you wanted it, why does it feel so wrong?

At that moment, if you had been able to move, you would have ripped your ears off just so you wouldn’t hear her voice any more, and maybe you would have done the same with your skin. It felt like the only way to get rid of your overwhelming feelings. Suddenly, the reassuring touch of your best friend made you feel gross, and so do her sweet words — But if she said that you did it, and wanted it, then it must be true, right?

You have seen the pictures, they are in your hands, right under your eyes. You can see yourself betraying the woman you love and in those, you really don't give the impression that you didn’t want to. On the contrary.

"No, no, it- it's not that, it’s just…," you eventually managed to say, but you are hesitating and unsure of yourself. There are too many thoughts and words clouding your head, so many ways you could react and yet, none of what you could say or do felt right. "It’s just that I don’t even remember last night,” you admitted, feeling ashamed about it, “I mean, did we- you know,... for real?" you asked softly but you were not even listening to Astrid’s answer, the question was more for yourself in reality. "Sorry, I have to go, see you later", you said, interrupting the woman. Somehow, you regained control over your body, just enough to push the other away and leave the room. You are not sure where you are going, but as far from that room as you can is already a good start.

That's where she found you when she came home that night, sitting on the bathroom's floor, the pictures in your hands.

Your hand is still wrapped tightly around the pictures, but you didn’t notice it. Not before being back home, in the room you are sharing with Natasha — Or were sharing, you thought, unsure about how the situation would unfold. It may be the last time you set a foot in that room that has been your safe place for months. Before you could completely break down, you decided to take a shower, thinking that, maybe, the steaming water would be enough to ease your mind. You took two showers. Then three, then four, and maybe more. You can’t be sure, you’ve stopped counting. All you knew was that it hasn’t been enough to get rid of the uneasy feelings and thoughts. You’ve scrubbed yourself until your skin was so sensitive that even the touch of the towel has been painful — But maybe you deserved it.

The rest of the day is a blur, and you are not sure what time it is. You’ve spent hours on the bathroom’s floor, your left hand clenched around the picture while the right one was holding the towel. Your head was so empty, but so full at the same time. That’s how she found you when she came home that night, and if she had been tempted to wrap you in her arms when she saw your pitiful state, the conversation she just had with the others discouraged her to do so — You didn’t deserve her pity. They are right when they say that you are not the victim: you are the one that cheated on her, and she needs to be firm, stern. You knew how hard it is for the woman to trust someone and yet, you still broke the fate she had put in you after years of making her dream of a better future.

"Oh, so you remember now?" she coldly said to you when she entered the room. You didn’t move, not even your eyes to look at her, but if you did, you would have seen that the woman was leaning in the doorway with her arms crossed. Maybe you would have also seen that her coldness was only a facade, and that she was as close as you were from breaking down. 

You stayed silent, unable to say anything. The words were stuck in your clenched throat, and they aren’t feeling right anyway — How could you defend yourself when you didn't even know what happened exactly? Plus, you weren’t even sure there was something to defend, the pictures speaking for themselves. Even when she started packing your belongings, you didn’t move. For you to move, she had to grab your arm and drag you all the way outside the Avengers’s building by herself. 

She needed you gone, and everyone agreed that it was only for the best. At least for a few weeks, just the time for things to calm down. That’s what she came to announce. The few words that left your mouth were useless, your pleas falling in deaf ears: the decision had already been made, and the sentence was irrevocable. The woman is done with your bullshit. She is done with you, and so you are.

"The pictures, they- they aren't real," she eventually admitted, her voice being barely louder than a whisper as she unburdens herself of this old secret. “I mean, th- they are, but it’s a staging. Nothing happened between us, she- hm, loves you too much to give you away,” she continued, tears filling her eyes as she talks, her voice wavering a little more with each word. "She isn't even conscious in these," she continued when the spy didn’t react. If the black-haired woman thought it was because the other was listening, it was because she didn’t know how to react.

The weight of what she had done left her shoulder, and it was now lingering in the room, where the air was suddenly thick, and almost unbreathable. Natasha felt a weight in her chest that made each breath harder than the previous one. Overcome by surprise, she had let go of the other, stepping back a few steps. Her thoughts were racing, numerous and contradictory, they weren’t coherent enough to allow how to respond in any way. She needed to do something, but she didn’t know what.

“I- I don’t know why I did that. It wasn’t me, that night, you know that, right? That I would usually never ever do something like that,” she started to defend herself when she saw the look on Natasha’s face, “I was so angry, and disappointed, when she refused. I have given her everything since we met, and yet you are the one she chose. I thought that, maybe, with a bit of time she would eventually realize her mistake, … but I was so wrong,” she sighed, and the redhead could see the remnants of that anger in her attitude. A clenching jaw and fists, accompanied with firm words that left no doubt about the resentment she held towards her, and towards you. “That night, I- I wasn’t myself. We’ve already had a few drinks and, you know, it doesn’t mix well with emotions,” she continued, and the woman could feel her anger rising with every word the other spoke. “All I could think about was getting revenge. I wanted to show her she was wrong, that I had so much more to offer than she thought. I wanted her to change her mind, to see me for more than just a friend,” she admitted, her voice being just a whisper as she says the last sentence. “I never thought it would end this way, I swear, you’ve to believe me, Natasha,” and to forgive me. She didn’t say the last words out loud, but she doesn’t need to, her eyes are speaking for herself.

Only, when her gaze met the redhead’s, she didn’t see in her eyes the compassion she had been expecting, only pure hatred, an emotion that had quickly replaced the initial surprise. Not even a word was addressed to her as the other left the room, leaving her alone to dry her tears.

| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING

| Part one. Part two. Part three.

| Taglist — @cd-4848, @chocolatestrawberrykryptonite, @gemz5, @jusnough, @m0nsterqzzz, @marvelwomenarehot0, @mrsrushman, @riyaexee, @takeyaki, @taliiiaasteria.

[sketchy-tour]

I just wanted to quickly say thank you guys!! Like... LIKE REALLY!!! THANK YALL SO MUCH!!!! The amount of constant love I receive for my work has been overwhelmingly wonderful to experience. I don't even know how to put it all into words. BUT IM GONNA TRY!

FAIR WARNING! I'm about to be really really sappy under the cut. So feel free to ignore that if you wish. But I got a lot of emotions I'm about to try to say.

Hi hello and hi. Um. Well, it's hard to explain how much this has meant to me. How much your kind words have sent waves of joy through my heart. How much every like has made me smile. How every reblog has made me feel a rush of pride. Every person who spammed me with likes when finding my blog, every person who talks in the tags when reblogging me, every person who shows up constantly in my notifs, every mutual who interacts with me even in the smallest of ways, every other artist I interacted with who has been kind to me.

All of it. Every single notif has made me smile in some way and I cannot thank you enough. I was so genuinely shy about sharing Dandy with Tumblr because I began drawing Dandy at a very turbulent time of my life. My WH art and oc had become a place of comfort for my mind and I had wanted to interact with the community for a long while but I'm skittish by nature so it took a LOT of mental prep for me to start posting this stuff here.

And the fact I have so much positivity in my notifs! I really needed that. Truly, I did. I still don't see myself as a big artist by any means, but I know I'm so lucky to have the bit of engagement I do from yall!

I feel like I'm rambling. Needless to say...it means the absolute world to me that the art that brings me joy is given such love by yall. Even if hyperfixations change, even if time marches us all in different directions, I'm thankful to have this. Right now. When I needed it.

[alciedoodles]

hi!! i saw your other post about how you simplify details and it was really helpful - was wondering if you had any tips abt drawing expressions/poses to express a story/emotions. like i saw your recent sumeru char doodles on twt and the way you draw alhaitham and hungover kaveh is so!!! ahh!! all of the lines feel really intentional, from the expressions to the fabric of the clothing and omg i love it so much. anyways sorry for rambling HAHA thank you sm for sharing your art! gl w art school 💪

Hello!

Thank you so much for the lovely words <3 it's really such a honor to hear that so many people consider my art to be very expressive, which I think is an essential skill to have for storytelling in comics!

First of all, I'd like to say this isn't something I can easily answer... you must already know there's no easy step-by-step guide on how to be "good" at art or expressions or whichever aspect you're trying to improve, the answer will always be observation and practice. However, I can tell you some of my methods I use to make sure emotions are conveyed as efficiently as possible(?). Here are the key points I always try to apply (note that these aren't rules, these are just my guiding points):

Understanding the character(s), the context, and how the two work together

Laying down a foundation

Not letting dialogue be the main driving force behind storytelling

Paneling conveys emotion too, actually

The absence of something can also convey emotion

You didn't specifically ask about comics, but since it's my favorite subject and it ties into your question, I'll be using a lot of examples from the comics I made! And it might interest other people who were curious?

VERY long post ahead :)

1. Understanding the character(s), the context, and how the two work together

This is what I think is the most fundamental part of storytelling! I mean, makes sense, right? Obviously you don't need a PhD in The Character to make stories based off them. I literally cannot tell you every detail about my favorite characters despite loving them very much, but I think understanding them and their relationships on a big-picture level is primordial. What drives them, what are their principles, what are their biggest fears, who do they make exceptions for, etc. Also, to me, understanding their relationships is sometimes more important than understanding the character at a molecular level. We can tell so much about someone just from the way they interact with specific people vs how they interact with strangers. The person I am online isn't the same I am with friends nor even with family-- like one of the reasons some characters can feel one-dimensional is because they don't show variation in their character throughout their relationships (and since you mentioned Kaveh and Alhaitham, I don't need to tell you the way both of them interact with each other is far removed from the way they interact with friends, strangers, etc... I think a lot of people forget who they are outside of their relationship, which a huge point of contention behind mischaracterization in fan works). I don't have much to say about this other than this is something I keep in mind every step of the way through.

2. Laying down a foundation

This is what the majority of my comics look like on second draft:

I said second because the first drafts usually look like this, which are barely comprehensible to anyone but myself:

The purpose of these are not only to give me a better guide for posing than whatever i did on the first draft (storyboard), but also have a first pass at motion and emotion. The expressions and gestures are legible enough that you can probably glean the emotions of each character based off the little sketches. Ultimately, some of the things I'll draft will end up adjusted, changed, expanded on or even removed.

This particular panel of Reigen is a favorite of mine, because the first pass already shows his confusion, but the final one is even more distorted because it felt like it needed to be even more accentuated.

This panel where he mansplains is also a good example, because the first pass gave him too much of an arrogant/uninterested look (notable with his upturned face), whereas Reigen is more likely to take pride in explaining something he knows to make himself look like a wise and mature figure (notable with his slight smirk and downturned face, as if nodding to himself; the hand is also slightly more forward as if inviting rather than dismissing). And since I basically made an example of it above: body language is super important! This applies for everyone. It doesn't stop at characters who make grand gestures and exaggerated poses every waking moment of their life, but also characters who are socially awkward, private, reclusive...

The posing here is intentionally stiff but not entirely closed off, giving the sense that he's earnest, tries his best to make connections , but also doesn't want to take too much space, thinking the smallest wrong move could cause trouble. Also, give room for the body to do its thing. Avoid cropping out things that shouldn't be cropped out. Leave enough room between the edges of the panel and the point of focus to emphasize what you want to emphasize. Close-up shots shouldn't be too frequent (in fact, personally I don't like doing close-up shots but it doesn't mean they're bad or shouldn't be done, again, my word isn't gospel!), especially if what you're conveying isn't too emotionally charged. Lastly, I have terrible news for people who hate drawing hands. Hands are possibly the second most expressive part of our body (if we don't count the body as a whole), so especially for your charismatic characters, you will very often want to use hands as a tool of expression.

(Think how much emotion and personality would be lost if the hands weren't there!)

3. Not letting dialogue be the main driving force behind storytelling

With my comics, I play an incredibly dangerous game called "I'll think of dialogue as I make the storyboard and then when I'm done drawing every page I'll write the dialogue over it guided solely by memory and whatever I drew". Don't do this. Have a script in hand or write it at the same time as you draft your storyboard. The reason I do this is because I'm lazy and I don't want to open a simple writing software to type down a script. Genuinely I have no other reasons. Anyway, the only advantage this gives to my comics is that they will generally be able to stand on their own without much dialogue; obviously dialogue is essential, but what I mean is that we don't need it to have a pretty accurate read on the room.

For example, if I remove all the dialogue from this page, you probably can't guess exactly what's being discussed. However, you can identify through their emotions alone that there is disbelief, bargaining, and finally a pretty devastating info was dropped. Alternatively, cutting down dialogue from your page and leaving room to expressions/body language alone can be entirely more beneficial than having any dialogue to begin with.

AKA Readers aren't stupid (some may be, but the majority can extrapolate just fine). You'll realize how much you don't need words and how your stories can be even more funny/impactful by pushing forward visual storytelling.

4. Paneling conveys emotion too, actually

Being a "good" artist isn't enough to make good comics. The way you panel things is extremely important, because it sets the tone, mood, pace, you name it. Some of the best works out there are the ones with the most care put into the flow of the comic. You need to understand how people will read it, and it starts with what order you deliver the information and how. This is paneling 101, but a page with irregularly shaped panels, multiple changing camera angles and such will be exponentially more dynamic than a page where each panel is the same size, have similar compositions and/or repetitions with little to no diagonal or curved lines of action.

The two examples above are WIPs from 2 different stories so unfortunately you'll have to make do with the rough sketches. That being said, you don't need to know the context of either pages to know the kind of emotion that should be felt through the paneling alone. Give time for the important emotions to be processed by the reader (unless it's intentionally fast-paced). Every emotion that needs to be emphasized should have its own panel.

In this example, I could easily have condensed these two panels into one by transferring the dialogue from the second into the first and jumping on to the next action. However, it would undeniably give much less impact to Kaveh's disbelief. On an inverse situation, sometimes you will want to condense two panels you made into one, because whatever those two panels are doing are perhaps not important enough to deserve separate panels! Lastly, you can notice that the space on the page is not always filled. Leaving space between each panel and/or between the edges of the page gives room for the reader to breathe and slows down the flow; and inversely, if you want to make the situation more frantic, make everything look more tight and constricted.

5. Not showing facial expressions sometimes conveys more emotion than doing so

This ties nicely to the point I made about body language. You don't need to see a character's face to know what they're going through, necessarily. Sometimes, their posture or their dialogue is enough. In my opinion, a story is more compelling when this equilibrium of facial expressions / body language / paneling / dialogue is correctly adjusted-- you will not need to have all the elements to convey the message or it could be a little overbearing. I don't have many examples for this one because they tend to be more relevant in dramatic scenarios, which I haven't done that many of.

(The first one is once again from a WIP)

And that's about it for my insane guide on comic-ing. I hope ANY of it made sense.

***

Here's a round up of extra tips, focused entirely on the drawing part which might be more of what you asked to begin with :'D

- That little line/wrinkle that adds so much character

Yall know what I'm talking about. In my opinion, too many artists are afraid of giving laugh lines/wrinkles because it makes their characters look older, except when it's to add those sexy sexy eyebags. I'm encouraging everyone to add them to their art little by little and see how much it can improve the expressiveness! Obviously, I don't use it everywhere, but it's a very effective way to make your expressions feel even more... well. expressive.

- Line of action

You've probably seen this picture going around before, from Preston Blair:

Although it's called line of action which implies action, this line is important even when the character isn't really in action.

You can gain a lot in expressiveness when you think of the body as one whole fluid instead of a sum of multiple disjointed parts. This is why drawing a very rough base comprised of only lines and circles can help figure out if the posing works before you start refining it.

On a different note, animation principles work very much in comics as well! I recommend looking up animation guides especially those that show how to make key poses.

- Shadows and/or color fill

This is one I will use quite often for different situations.

Shadows can immediately set a tone when they're used dramatically. For example, a shadow over a character's face can convey unease and/or evil intent.

On the other hand, I will use color fills for different purposes:

Differentiating ground layers

This can help with readability.

2. Conveying a certain mood

It can separate the character from the color of their background to give a sense of isolation, reflection, realization, being disconnected from their surroundings, etc...

- Don't be scared of using codes / tropes / archetypes

...As long as it benefits the narrative, of course. By codes / tropes / archetypes, I mean posing or expressions or visual effects that are universally understood and used for specific expressions. The semicircle sweatdrops and blush made with slashes are incredibly typical of manga/anime, but it doesn't mean they're bad! Visual effects are there to help remove the ambiguity of an expression considering a single expression without visual codes could convey multiple emotions!

- Find what inspires you and take notes!!!

In my case, what greatly shaped my art style to what it currently is: One Piece, the Ace Attorney series and Mob Psycho 100 (yes, I only watched the latter last year but it still managed to become a source of improvement/inspiration for my art even at my current level, because you'll never stop improving :) )

I hope this wasn't too long or too off-topic, and I hope it can also help other people who might be interested! Thank you for reading!

[kafus]

my friend who passed away was the friend who got me that event pichu exclusive to IRL movie theaters in south korea that i mentioned a while back. his name was Riku

he passed away in the early morning of the 22nd (21st in my timezone). he was in his early 20s and had just moved out on his own and it was way too soon for him to go. just a week or two ago i was watching the kaika and vwp gensho concerts with him at 4 in the morning. he was around literally everyday - me and my friends found out about his death so soon because we were concerned that he was gone for just one day, and on the second day we reached out to one of his IRL friends to find out where he was. he was often in the hospital so i was hoping he was just afk for a particularly long time in the hospital and he would send a picture of his iv drip and the ceiling like he always did. i could not have imagined this would be the time he didn't make it. it is going to be weird not hearing from him literally everyday like i have been for the past 2-3 years. i am really struggling with this, i have had friends pass away but never any this close to me. i'm trying to keep myself together for his sake

leave it to me to process strong emotions through pokemon i guess but i loaded up SV to give the pichu the best friends ribbon so it says "the Great Friend" when sent out. i can't nickname it due to the fateful encounter flag but i've given him the name Anemo in my mind at least since our main shared interest that we met over was Kamitsubaki, and his favorite singer was Isekaijoucho, and the flower things in her hair are called Anemos (short for Anemones) and i thought naming him in a small way after something he loved and an interest we shared would benice

i also did a nuzlocke a while back where i had some special rulings to do with naming all my encounters after my friends from the friend group me and riku were in - the pokemon everyone got assigned were random and decided by spinning a wheel, and riku ended up being my flygon that came to the E4 and everything

i wasn't planning on ribbon mastering any pokemon from that playthrough, but now i really want to RM this flygon specifically. transfer him up and take him with me yknow

riku was not a pokemon fan in particular, but it was something we shared/bonded over - he used to ping me whenever he saw art of any kamitsubaki character with pokemon, and he went out of his way to celebrate that interest with me, even thru our language barrier

his favorite musician of all time was Kanzaki Iori, and some months ago he put out a call for fans to send him pictures he could use in the youtube videos for some cover songs he was doing. riku submitted photos, and on two occasions his photos were actually included - we didn't share pictures of ourselves or our real life often, so these were some of his rare photos of his real life presence

i can't stop listening to these. i cannot imagine how many times he listened to them himself. he was so happy about his photos being in these videos

i'll make a more proper memorial post at a later time (i want to draw something dedicated to him) but i just sort of wanted to ramble about this to get some thoughts out of my head in a public space. riku didn't have a ton of people in his IRL life and we were just friends over the internet but i want him to be remembered and i want my feelings today to be saved somewhere. eventually it'll get easier but for now it's still really raw

[eggsaladsandwhic]

College AU! Poly! Vash x (Reader) x Knives: Pre Relationship Headcannons/Drabbles (SFW)

IM ALIVE - Actually I just got extremely backed up between work and playing Persona 5R( Very important activities) Sorry if these are rusty. Have some word vomit.

You were originally a classmate of Nai's and had come over a couple times for group projects. Vash was surprised finding out Nai had found a human he didn't have problems with

Nai only admited to Vash he tolerated your presence, but the way you came over an hour later to help cook dinner says otherwise

Vash understood pretty quickly what "tolerated" meant after you came in with a box of cookies (Nai told you how to gain his brothers trust and you took it as a challenge to make the best batch ever)

Wanting to interact with Vash but he's got a golden lab personality and if you're shy it's probably overwhelming

Nai could probably handle a high energy person, but a low energy ambivert is probably this guy's best match

Visits came more frequently, and eventually you were practically a part-time resident

Movie Nights, Hobby Days, Cooking Lessons, Chores ( Both the boys always tried stoping you to no avail), sometimes you'd come over just to exist in their presence and talk

Vash made you keep some of your things at their place just in case you ever slept over. At least twice a week you were an honorary couch crasher, but Vash did joke about you sharing the bed with him (he's not joking come snuggle him)

Nai became more soft around you and it would seem to brighten up his mood when you walked through the door. Vash would tease him constantly about it when you were out of earshot

Nai started letting you hang out in his room and he would play his electric piano softly while you were curled up in his bed (probs a great time to study, read, write, draw, and the nap is probably magnificent)

Touch was rare but it did happen from time to time, hand on your back, a teasing head pat, both of you laying on your stomachs side by side elbows touching. Nothing too close for his comfort.

Vash loved being around you and likely starting initiating physical affection first. He'd put his head on your lap and ramble, throw his arms around your shoulders, lean on you during movies, etc..

Vash took you on "fake dates" but really it was just while he loves hanging out with his usual friend group, sometimes he just needs one on one time because he enjoys your company

Y'all became each other's biggest cheerleader

Nai would watch his brother in envy, but he enjoyed seeing both of you happy nonetheless. He wishes he was closer but has a hard time trying to act on his emotions or how he wants to convey them.

After a particularly stressful day he had walked into your apartment while you were on the couch and just layed himself on you? No words, no build up, just walked in like he owned the place.

Nai feels like the kind of guy that's all or nothing and depending on the situation it's either or. You gotta sculpt him a little to get out of this mindset probably.

Progress I guess? Nai didn't want to talk but pretty much melted when you started scratching at his scalp and undercut. You got the jist of his issues and worked your hands through the knotted up muscle on his back. He wrapped his arms around your midsection and just stayed there in silence for almost 3 hours. Honestly he probably wanted to stay awake but kept drifting in and out of sleep every 15 to 20 mins

Goes home after you make dinner, has an absolute conniption fit because he shouldn't be acting like this. Feels like he's taking advantage of your kindness constantly, especially after that. Takes his anger out and yells at Vash. (Nai hasn't yelled at him like that in ages, so Vash leaves the apartment to avoid it)

Cue Vash showing up 20mins later at your place, asking if he could stay a couple days. Of course you said yes, but....your couch cannot fit a whole Vash. BED SHARING

Asks your boundaries before hand and y'all were down for cuddling. Woke up the next morning practically glued together, his head in the crook of your neck and a leg and arm thrown over you. Dear lord he's probably so warm, you somehow get out of his grip and he makes some disappointed noises.

You make him breakfast while he's still asleep, and when he wakes up to you cooking pancakes in the sunlight he swears he could marry you. (This man makes me so domestic)

Accidentally says the last part out loud and gets all embarrassed

Y'all lounge around watching shitty tv or playing video games in your PJs for the rest of the morning

TIME TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES

Nai sends you a text asking if you two could talk, says he's also going to apologize to his brother in a little bit. You tell him to man up and apologize first beforehand then talking is on the table

You go get lunch while Vash and Nai talk it out. Nai ended up admitting to Vash he has feelings for you. Vash went "No shit really?.......me too". Both of them have a whatever happens happens mindset about the situation. Feel like both of them wouldn't want to rush a relationship with you and would probably keep it to platonic/verging on romantic attention for a hot while. Sharing isn't even on the table yet and Nai is definitely the more possessive one out of the brothers.

This doesn't mean they're not gonna be affectionate, but they will respect each other wanting alone time with you. Along with not making each other feel like the whole ordeal is a contest on who's better.

THESE BOYS COMMUNICATE ABOUT THE FACT THEY BOTH WANT TO COURT YOUR ASS.

(I wonder if plants would have any courting methods like birds or something...hmmm I have ideas)

[clambuoyance]

ngl I know nothing ab your DC blorbos except they're gay and cool or something Idk I just think they're neat... I'd ask what comics I could read ab them being super blorbo-y but Idk...

OKAY so there’s a lot of characters in dc but the ones I draw/talk about the most are these group of friends!! They feature in Young Justice 1998, Teen Titans 2003, and Young Justice 2019, as well as having their own comics and other appearances :)

each comic run has different vibes but my personal favorite is yj1998 bc I like its wacky and zany vibes. It was not my first comic though, and it’s a little older so it might be hard to understand or read if it’s your first time reading comics like this, and again it is old soooo some stuff does Not age well such as certain jokes or depictions and it is of course not all perfect but overall I love it and think it has a lot of heart

I think i have a lot of fun with it bc it feels so…animated? And it has funny slapstick humor. Honestly I probably like it bc it makes me laugh the same way ninjago makes me laugh…a group of 4+ friends that have cute dynamics with each other and just Being Silly Together. I really don’t know how to explain it but between all three runs, I can see yj1998 in my head the most as a wacky animated show with exaggerated bouncy animation idk so that’s part of the fun for me. I think the moment I realized this was going to be a long term emotional investment was When I read the issue where they randomly end up on a planet and have to play baseball bc I am a SUCKERRR for baseball shenanigans

But yeah the group starts out with Bart, Tim, and Kon in JLA: A world without Grownups, and they just have a good trio dynamic 🙏 the banter between all three is so good 🤩and I liked seeing their friendship develop throughout yj1998 too! Especially for Tim, with his hesitancy at the beginning.They weren’t without conflict ofc but that adds to why I like them bc eventually they became besties for life. They are also quickly joined by others but the main one that stays w the group through all three runs is Cassie Sandsmark , aka Wonder Girl ii.

But yeah I guess some things I like are the way they actually Hang out? like they will do camping trips or go to the mall and games together etc etc, but there will be parts that feel more serious while never losing that humorous tint to it. For some examples, I love how Tim tries to be a leader in the beginning, but then one arc shows just how much Cassie is more fitting for it, and how they bond over Leader things like how hard it is to tell Bart what to do and then will share a really nice hug 🥺, and I love Cassie and Cissie’s relationship a LOT because they sometimes misunderstand each other but clearly care for each other (they aren’t canon but in my heart they are.) I also like Tim and kon’s build towards understanding and friendship for a similar reason, and cissie and Anita also have a nice development with each other, but yeah all the dynamics are just fun to think about tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am pointing at them eagerly and going “wow! Friendship!!”

And as for the guy I never shut up about…well that’s a whole thing I could ramble about but i became obsessed with him the moment he quoted Peter Pan while lamenting about how he was afraid his friends would leave him behind after several issues of him acting like Hot Shit and erm I’m predictable so it got to me 🙄 also he makes dumb jokes every second like he expects someone to laugh at them like he’s so dumb sometimes….anyways I do not want to ramble too much so I will get on with it

I was only familiar with his black tshirt look before, so when I first saw this goofy looking dumbass with a leather jacket and glasses and an earring I WAS LIKE “THATS SUPERBOY? THATS REAL?” and quickly became interested in the notion of a Superman associated hero wearing something like this bc I don’t think my brain ever considered the possibility before….also it is something I cannot explain some panels just activate my cuteness aggression 😔 I just think he’s really cute 🫶🫶🫶

[eluxcastar]

Sorry I just came out of nowhere, but I found you through your sequel to 'One of Reputation' and then went scavenging for more of your arlecchino scraps and I am literally so in love with the way you write Arlecchino, platonically and romantically. I feel like a mouse that found the treasure trove of cheese. Um, warning for the huge rant because I'm fangirling so hard.

'One of Reputation' and its sequel(the arlecchino x Harbinger reader) makes me so happy? I love the lore behind reader, and although I never particularly cared about Il Capitone before, I am wondering on what his and reader's relationship was like. I also love especially how much thought and effort was placed into writing reader's thoughts and emotions in 'One of Reputation.' It's very easy to visualize and sympathize with reader. And the idea of sharing the food with Arlecchino and her begrudgingly accepting it? This is so inexplicably cute. I do want to know what Arlecchino and reader are like after reader decides to follow Arlecchino.

Among the scenarios/headcannons my personal favorite are 'arlecchino relationship headcanons' (awkward and cuddly arlecchino? are you kidding me? I'm so in love),

'arlecchino bring comforted by her s/o' (the idea of affection being so foreign to arlecchino and she doubts her reality sometimes hurts me in such delicious ways I cannot explain, and just how effortlessly reader is like 'yeah, and?' when Arlecchino asks if shes enough makes me want to combust in joy),

and 'the little sisterfication of arlecchino' (I love reader's protectiveness of arlecchino so much. It's incredibly sweet. It cannot stop me from thinking, what if reader is no longer there anymore? If reader dies on a mission she's sent for the Knave or she gets punished for protecting arlecchino, what will that do to arlecchino? I imagine that it would be the breaking point for arlecchino, and the catalyst to her overthrowing the Knave).

Anyways, I really like your Arlecchino works as a fellow Arlecchino simp. Looking forward to more 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️Your work is hella scrumptious 😫🤤

NO don't be sorry I love asks like this they make me explode (good thing) thank you I'm glad you enjoy her ♡( ◡‿◡ )

I had sm fun plotting lore for One of Repetition (⁀ᗢ⁀) and their relationship. At the time, I wrote Capitano in in such a manner because I liked the idea of her bringing back an abyss creature like a stray dog and going "Mom look what I found can we keep it" and because I wrote it before Arlecchino was introduced and I didn't know where else to fit reader in (￣▽￣*)ゞ (admittedly, the turn of events of Capitano likely being the First Harbinger fits my plans much better than Fourth, though I had an explanation for the alternative as well)

When I get around to making it into a proper fic (which I am actually doing, at last), I plan to expand on their relationship (and her friendship with Columbina if you can call it that (。。 ) )because very likely he'll be important and it'll be necessary to understand why he's so attached to her in that case. It was also going to be something I threw into the prequel oneshot I threw together, but I only ended up throwing in tidbits (￣ヘ￣)

I love love love Arlecchino combined with being awkward and cuddly and her being lowkey unsure of herself because I just MELT at how much it draws back to living under the previous Knave in the orphanage and her being much crueller to the children (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄) She would have known love once, if that, through her parents and I explode at how cute it is to be overwhelmed by this new thing she loves so much

THE VISION FOR OLDER SIBLINGS READER ⸜(*ˊᗜˋ*)⸝ I had that thought in the middle of writing it, but I was like "this is sad enough, I don't need to kill reader off too (・_・;)ゞ" and let them live but not without keeping the part where the Knave kills them and is killed by Arle in retaliation in my drafts (possibly an idea to be used in One of Repetition)

I'm sorry that is a whole ass ramble of a response of random information (/▿＼ ) I get very excited to get to ramble about it thank you for reading and enjoying my works

[misscammiedawn]

50 Days of HypnoFetishes - Preamble

Should you wish to just get to the kinky stuff and ignore my ramblings, scroll down to Day 1.

Ella Enchanting made a post where she will go over 50 fetishes over the course of a month.

I happen to be an asexual deeply involved in hypnokink and as a matter of exploring my sexuality, providing context for my partners and giving an opportunity for individuals to springboard off of my concepts and build off of my ideas, I wish to post 50 days worth of scenes and suggestions within hypnoplay and elaborate on why they bring me such joy.

Firstly, I want to make a ground rule clear. I am presently a sex-repulsed asexual. Experiencing physical arousal is a huge negative for me, whether it be a matter of gender dysphoria, trauma triggers or just hating the way my mind and body are impacted, I am deterred by arousal. That alone makes my perspective a little unapproachable to the majority of the community I share. Even sex ambivalent asexuals do not tend to have such a relationship with their sexuality.

For that reason I wish to make it clear, before starting that when I describe things as hot, I am referring to an exalted drive within the heart that multiplies passions and creates a high. The best way I can relate it is the emotional peaks of being at a rock concert or sporting event when the crowd erupt into a frenzy of applause and euphoria. Granted one would not say that it was hot when The Packers pulled off a 2 point conversion in the 4th, so it is not a 1-1 comparison. But there is a firm difference in my body and mind between aroused (good) and aroused (bad) and that's the nearest I can equate it to. I look for emotional climax, not physical. I wish I had better vocabulary for it than that.†

Which is why hypnosis is such a draw for me, because there is so cerebral. I am able to maneuver within a scene on either side of the watch with as much degree of comfort as I wish to be afforded. In fact, scenes where I specifically cannot and do not touch my partner are hot as fuck. My first entry to this challenge will explain further.

During these posts I will make it clear when I am talking from a Top perspective and a Bottom perspective and how I interpret the allure. Pulling someone's hair and listening to them whimper for me is not equal to being put in front of a keyboard and told to stare through the screen and let my fingers type. They are both delightful and scenes that bring a lot of joy, but one has a heat and exchange of passion and power, the other is a release which typically ends with a sudden rush of emotions in an explosive array as the impact of the scene is realized. If you read through my posts you may find that that sense of smoldering intensity drawn out versus the powerful rush of a cluster of emotions are what the majority of my interest boils down to.

That all said, let me share my intrigues with you!

-

50 Days of HypnoFetish - Day 1: Unwinnable Conditions

Alignment: Top driven desire.

I have written on this topic more than once. Feel free to check some of my prose built off of this intrigue.

I consider myself a Fae. Less a gender and more an aesthetic. I love the idea of binding a partner to a contract and finding that they are stuck between my contradicting messages and see just how they react. Of course, I tend to have things laid out in my head when I begin a scene like that which is designed to draw about the reaction I want.

"There's a difference between a command and a compulsion" is the opening line to one of the stories I wrote about giving a partner the powerful desire to kiss me and hitting them with a freeze trigger. If hypnotists had special moves, this would be my 3-bar Super. The idea is so very simple. Tempt a partner with something they want.

'With every passing second you'll find my lips to become a focus, a temptation. Feel my words lace lovingly around your heart and pull you closer. With every word you wish more and more to kiss me, to taste my lips, to feel my passion match yours. Memories of each kiss can just flood back to the edge of your senses as you continue to desire it, as you feel your lips magnetized to mine. Surrendering all resistance as it is melted away by this powerful desire that overrides your senses. Want turns to desire. Desire turns to crave. Crave turns to yearn. Yearning becoming compulsion. You are compelled. You must kiss. Need to kiss.'

The idea is to build a smoldering fire which catches and turns into a raging inferno all stuck behind the dam of a trigger. That passion and power will continue to increase until given the "kiss me" trigger. Then all that built up desire will erupt in one go and draw a partner close as I forcibly slam them with a single word.

"FREEZE."

And watch them stop on the spot.

Then I take my time. Admire the look plastered upon their face... particularly their eyes. I have done this suggestion so many times and each and every time I have done it the eyes remain fully animated. I have seen burning desire, pouting disappointment, fierce determination, submissive acceptance and confusion which typically melts into one of the previously listed emotions.

That's when my fun begins.

To orbit a partner (within their comfort level) and tease them delicately in their frozen state, brush a hand down their hair, place my finger to their lips, whisper so close to their ear that they feel my lips graze their skin. Tell them how that desire to kiss is still building. How soon enough they will be given their reward, but I just wish to let them simmer a moment. Perhaps I'll repeat the trigger a few more times, ramp up their yearning until it almost threatens to break the strength of the freeze command.

Every second the intimate connection between hypnotist and hypnotee grows and the hypnotee is kept in a position where they very much wish to obey the original compulsion but are bound by the overriding command.

My downfall is that I often give them the ability to speak and whimper, because I like to hear the pleading as the submissive headspace overrides senses and leads to a scenario where all they have is their words to convince me that I should release them from this teasing cage of my power...

As a note, for a specific partner, this scene works just as well with bondage and being outside of their range of movement. Feeling them struggle against their restraints is quite lovely. Though I much prefer the complete and total control that the freeze offers.

See, with the freeze, it's that flirtation with hubris that truly makes this scene a delight for me. The way that I am tempting fate. The only thing holding my partner back in those moments is their obedience and I am actively courting them to try to break it. At any moment I could lose control of the scene, but at that exact moment, in those powerful teasing moments where I tempt and tantalize-- oh in those moments, I am Alive.

Later in this list of scenes/interests you'll find my affinity for bratting and the back and forth. But here is the difference between the summon/freeze combo and a scene with active bratting. It's the fact that I Win. No matter what. The only winning move is not to play. It's like the suggestion version of a double bind. You kiss me, I win - Good Toy, you obeyed. You stay frozen until I give you permission - That's my obedient plaything, you did just as I instructed.

I get so much fire from creating a scenario where the only way to end the scene is to do exactly as I desire. I feel like an absolute Genius when I have a partner in the palm of my hand, pushed and pulled by my desires.

It takes a deeply imaginative brat to find a loophole in those moments. The kind of brat who listens very closely to your rules and learns the way of the Fae and utilizes your own powers against you.

...Daja has defeated me in this arena once and has saved up a way of escaping it one further time. My weakness is that I love the pleading too much. Sometimes giving your switchy partner their weapon of words is not a good choice for maintaining total control.

But I admit defeat when it comes for me.

Tomorrow I'll talk about my affinity for those battles of wits and how fun it is to lose.

---

FULL SCHEDULE MASTER POST

Day 2: Bratting link goes here

Tagging @ellaenchanting as requested.

† - This topic is more complicated than this, I am trying to be clear and understood by removing minutia caused by monthly cycles, mood swings and personality shifts. Anything more specific would be an overshare.

[ughscara]

end of the year post.

heads up. if i sound sappy in some parts, i'm not sorry 🤍

as of me writing this, it's but a mere 20 minutes before it is officially the start of a new year.

it's a little surreal to believe that 2023 is coming to an end. a year that admittedly, was more emotionally and physically hectic for me. but i pushed through, and here i am going into 2024 as hopefully a better me.

to be honest, this year has been nothing but self reflection, realization and a lot of acceptance as well as embracing parts of myself that i thought i'd never return to. hobbies of mine like writing and drawing were ones i strayed away from for so, so long in 2023. but it more or so lead back into the tribulations i was facing then and still recovering from now.

it's a little surreal to me that months after months of doing nothing but reflection and getting back into what i love doing most just months before the year ended resulted into the me who decided to step into tumblr again and share my kuni ideas for the fun of it. that halloween fic i posted? just for shits and giggles at the time. but the fun i had writing it was a fun i wasn't able to feel throughout the entirety of 2023, and i admit the motivation boost i got from posting the fic afterwards, alongside checking in on the authors i used to follow just made something inside me click. and i went for it.

a bit more off topic but i still remember how i came back to genshin after a good five months or so in version 3.6 and doing the main event without knowledge of the sumeru quest line because i was avoiding spoilers. that day, i just finished taking an entrance exam for college and was exhausted from both the exam and from wearing myself out. midway into the introduction of the contestants; i was greeted with wanderer, or kuni in my vocabulary, being in the event and i was just smiling from ear to ear at the mere sight of him. feeling that same overflow of good emotions just take me whole to be honest, i was simply beyond happy. the way he spoke about writing about inazuma's societal issues because he was bored genuinely had me laughing for the first time that day.

i guess it's that simple little moment that hit me hard. it's silly, i'm aware, but it meant everything to me in a way. since that day in june; i was determined and full of creative drive to hopefully share at least one thing before the end of this year. look at me now, i have a series published that's yet to be finished so i can start on the next one in spring ( hopefully ), a one-shot to share for a moot and lastly... just a lot. i have a lot in store.

i have no right to say such things regarding my immense gratitude for the support i received from the few things i published, but the support i ended up getting on said few things — big and small — has made me realize that maybe i still feel very passionate about writing. that maybe i want to pursue the desire to publish all i have for that one fictional character that had my heart swoon the moment i saw him in a promotional trailer three years ago.

the ending note to 2023, starting october 31st when i published my first fic was a day that i'll always hold dear to me, my mutuals as well as the wonderful authors i follow made these past three months an absolute joy, and i cannot wait to make the most of my journey supporting each one of them ~

honestly i'm just rambling. but i am a professional yapper and to be honest i am writing all this on one cup of tea and like, six something hours of sleep i am absolutely not in the right headspace lmao. regardless! i am so so very glad to be here, to have survived an emotionally draining bitch of a year that was still an eventful year regardless to me, and starting the second of january... i shall be the bane of the scaranation's existence <3

we don't talk about how being that is actually a goal of mine because i think it'd be funny but i digress... 2024 will hopefully be just as much of an eventful year for me, for you, and everyone too. i believe that this year will be at least a little kinder to those who got absolutely shat on by 2023 ( pleek no more physical torment for me ) and if you're reading this, remember that this random stranger on the internet who's attempting to spread the kuni agenda is cheering you on for the year <3

i have a lot of stuff to share going forward. december was initially gonna be the month for all that but i had stuff going on that i ended prioritizing ( mainly my health ) so those initial plans will now move to the first month of a new year. mundanities with kabukimono will be finished in january, january 2nd will be interlocked eternities and lastly a late winter special that's actually a birthday gift for a mutual of mine ( mochi i am coming for you /menacingly )

oh it's 12 a.m. now, happy january first and happy 2024 everyone 🤍 may you be blessed with many wonderful days ahead. i shall see you on the second and third of january ~

[aspiring-holistic-otaku]

Season 2 Ramble#7 - All About Art

As the title suggests and as you probably guessed, this month's episode is all about art. I'm talking dancing, singing, modeling, drawing, whatever. You name it and surprisingly enough there's probably a manga for it. You can listen in with the link above or check the link in my bio for your preferred platform 🥂

Given the ever growing forms of art, its heavily subjective nature + my very limited perception and so on, I invite my friend Jen onto the show so I don't pigeonhole you all into my views and preferences via my reads.

So how this episode goes down is that the first segment is the usual listicle type beat, alternating between me and Jen, with the usual split of stuff read this month and stuff read before but since it's the two of us I thought I'd save y'all the long talking and have us only give details on the top 1s and kinda just summarize the other stuff we mention. Then for the second segment we'll have a little back and forth interview type beat in place of the usual rambles and then some outtakes from our test calls leading up to the episode to wrap up the whole thing.

Things read this month:

Top 1(me)

Shiori Experience(story & art by Yuuko Osada, ongoing with 66 chapters)

The main premise is that plain Jane highschool teacher Shiori, gets her life flip twisted upside down, when one day she's possessed by the ghost of legendary guitarist Jimi Hendrix. Pretty sweet deal tbh, especially if you're a music fan, which she is, but ofc there's a catch. If she doesn't become a legend before 27 she dies.

Great cast, pretty solid story and the two intersect really well as the main plot is driven by her trying to scrounge up and then develop a band. So it's been pretty balanced so far in that as different members join we get to see them develop individually as well together as a band. Pretty solid story as I said, it draws a pretty good range of emotions out of you but what pushed it to number 1 was definitely the phenomenal art, specifically their illustration of sound. Going from a gentle wave, to an explosive eruption it's really cool to see the different sounds of different bands or even the different songs of the same band. Cannot recommend this manga enough, it truly is an amazing experience.

Two Honourable Mentions:

Blue Giant

Basically this kid wants to be the greatest jazz player in the world, he plays a mean sax and you can maybe kinda think of it as equal but opposite to the movie whiplash. As in yh they both have dudes trying to do the virtually impossible, both facing their fair share of hardships and so on but blue giant just has this super contagious uplifting vibe, especially the main character dai. he's a real one fr.

Smile Down The Runway

This is about fashion and the story revolves around 2 folks, chiyuki a model that's too short and ikuto, a designer that's too broke. Both have dreams of one day making it to the Paris fashion week runway (which starts next month irl btw). Read this pretty late in the month but it was so good I pretty much just blazed through it. Won't say much but the art was amazing and the designs were actually flames.

a manga that was surprisingly good:

Wandance

As the name suggests it's about dancing, largely of the hip hop based variety, they make a lot of cool references to modern artists from dj cream to Freddy Gibbs to Kendrick and basically it's about a dude who finds it hard to speak finding joy in being able to express himself through dance. On that note I gotta mention this month apparently makes 50 years of hip hop, shout out the genre and its offshoots fr but let the record show it all started right here in Jamaica. (It was surprising because for me the art style reminded me of a ton of manga I just didn't like)

a manga I didn't get to but looks cool:

Paradise Kiss

Another fashion manga and that's all I can say

[unfortunately Jen had a lot of emergencies at work and didn't type up anything so I had to just summarize her stuff but you can listen in to hear what she had to say in detail]

Top 1(Jen) - Blue period

Two Honourable Mentions - Sounds of life and PPPPPP

Things read before this month:

Top 1(me)

Blue Period (story & art by tsubasa yamaguchi, ongoing with 61 chapters out in English)

Highschool delinquent yatora makes the last minute and arguably terrible career choice to become an artist. can't fight him though as clinging to a long life unable to be authentic to yourself reeks of misery. In any case the story so far follows him from high school to college, and we take a pretty indepth look at art, what it is and what it means to be good at it. Pretty bold move of the author to be honest.

Also want to mention the author has a self titled 4 chapter collection of short stories that you can check out as well, literally just found out and read earlier today, pretty neat read

Two Honourable Mentions:

Bakuman

Spoke on this last episode so I won't say much but it's a manga about making manga and it was the top one of its section last month

Akane Banashi

Something that was an honourable mention last month, really really good and would have been top 1 in its section of not for bakuman. It's about a traditional Japanese art called rakugo which is basically a one man play, because it's in the honourable mention slot I don't speak much on it but honestly really really really good

[Jen hadn't really read much art stuff before this month but she did mention Barakamon and Rakugo Shinjuu ]

Thanks for listening/reading so far and you can listen in for the little interview and outtakes 🍻

[dragonnarrative-writes]

Hi Dragon! I hope today is treating you well. :D For the Writer's Ask Game: (If you've already asked these, author's choice on skipping or picking a different question to answer.) 14. How do you write emotional scenes? Do you ever feel what the characters feel? Do you draw from personal experiences?

39. Share a snippet from a WIP(pet). (Sorry my brain needed that to rhyme and also I'm greedy for your writing.)

Hi Gemma! It's a beautiful Friday (and I am a horrible goose)!

14. I'm a very sensitive person, so when I'm reading or writing an emotional scene, I'm feeling it. I don't read angst without fluff because I will be wilted all damn day about it. Writing smut scenes does make me a little hot under the collar.

When I'm writing, I tend to start with what a character is thinking, because our thoughts lead to emotions. Why is a character excited, heartbroken, or blindingly horny? Then I'm thinking of what's going on in their bodies, how they physically feel. I build from there!

As for personal experience... some things yes, some things no. I haven't done a lot of the things I write about (Thank fuck, I would not do well in a Slasher situation), so there's very few one-to-one comparisons. But I do draw on my personal experiences to help me convey the characters' emotions.

This is actually a very tough question, and I'll be thinking about it for days!

39. A Snippet from a Wip(pet)!

Have some of the Exhibitionism prompt that can't seem to make up it's mind. Nothing too spicy!

John Price x Reader in her 40s

Your neighbor saw you masturbating through your window. You want to combust. You want to break your lease and move to Alaska. God, he’d told you, years ago now, that he could see into your bedroom from his office. You couldn’t swap rooms with your son, so you’d bought a reflective film for the window. Clever, you’d thought. And then John had come home from deployment, taken one look at your work from the courtyard, and said, “Looks good. And I’m not complaining at all, ma'am, but you should know those mirror films don't work at night.” You’d made a point to close your curtains after that, but John was so rarely home for more than a day or two that you’d been lax. You hated feeling shut in, would forgo curtains altogether if you lived out in the country alone. After the divorce, you’d picked this flat for the natural light. Why would you close your curtains? Well, they’re certainly closed now.

You know what? Have some of the original ramble (i talked about my process here) , so you can see some of the differences in my drafts. (This part is spicy.)

Okay, so: reader character is in her mid 40s, I've decided. Divorced mom of one kid who's gone off to college. She's super embarrassed when Price tells her he could see through her window.

---

And it's a nice day out, for once, and her neighbor is never home. So she leaves the curtains open when, after a shower, she luxuriates in bed with a rose toy and a good sized dildo and reminds herself that no one can do her like she can.

And Price, standing in his office, much harder than he planned on being, cannot help but wish that she'd left the window open so he could hear the way she moans. He should leave the room, should give her some privacy, but goddamn.

And remember, she's luxuriating. She's not worried about much of anything. She's got no where to be. So she gets herself off in a moderate amount of time. Gives herself a bit of a water break. And then she's right back to it after pulling up a spicy audio on her phone. It's one of her favorites, one she can really sink into.

Price, across the way, barely restrains himself from pulling his cock out in the middle of his office like he's ten years younger when he sees her arch into an orgasm. Almost comes in his pants when he sees her pull the dildo from herself. But the show is over, so he starts to shuffle out of room - slowly, so she won't notice the movement from the corner of her eye.

And then she picks up the rose toy again.

He still shuffles a little out of sight, but only far enough to pull up a chair.

Ask Game

[ramblesbambles]

Such a needy baby,

Should I show these rambles to anyone? I fear and desire to be diagnosed with something but I fear being average. "Oh everybody has these thoughts it's just you decide to rant into the void of Tumblr instead of through other means." I don't want to know but I want to feel different. I've always had to share, and I always blend. You can say I look average, not beautiful or super ugly. Just a thing that exists. I want comments but I fear them. I want someone to judge me but I don't want to be ridiculed.

I still fear putting out my ideas. I hate what their called, "fanfiction", the internet really twisted that word into some erotic expression but I just want to write about the mental escapes I have in these fantasy settings. Star wars, Lord of the rings, Warhammer. I have little stories for each but I cannot muster the brain power to draw, write or describe them. Contradiction is my philosophy. Hypocrite, impulsive, loathing, contradiction.

I had a teacher in 7th grade who said I was great at what I did, and for the fog I was in at the time it made me confident. So confident I became jealous. Not saying I wasn't jealous before, but the spice of hormones really kicked it into high gear. I hated when my teachers praise others, I mock them in my head, "I am better". Then why not show it dumbass? Why just brood in a corner, why not work on these "skills" you think you have? You're a camera. Watching and not moving. But remembering everything to prove the false dogma that everyone is against you.

I've wanted, nothing new if you've read my other post but I don't know why I want. Is it because of the society of consumerism? Nah don't try that intellectual bullshit, it doesn't help but it's just that you get bored with your toys. They're not toys, they're my pets. But I want another. Hoarder. I hate that I hope that they pass on so I can get a new one. They're old, but I love them. I really do love them. Why do I want them to die? I feel like I'm making them suffer, that the life beyond is better than the life I can give them now. To start over. Why not put them up for adoption? No. I love them. I don't want them to suffer. They are smart, emotional and understanding. I don't want them to suffer.

[shayminlucario07]

Note: This is going to be very rambly and probably disjointed.

I know there is nothing to be gained from looking back on a past you never lived through and wishing you had seen it- but I can't help it. Is it possible to have nostalgia for something you didn't experience? Is that some other phenomenon? And can you even claim a connection to it if you never even experienced a core part of it?

This particular bout of introspection was incited by me starting to read "Where Are Your Boys Tonight? The Oral History of Emo's Mainstream Explosion 1999-2008" by Chris Payne. However, before I dive into this decidedly confusing emotion, some context about me:

I was very sheltered growing up, and I was an introvert, who struggled with social anxiety. I also had to deal with the fact that I was bi, and often resonated more with the toys and interests of my older sister than what was purchased for me. All of these things compounded together to make me ultimately afraid to express... pretty much anything about who I was. I did- and still do- wear very nondescript clothes that didn't make me stand out, and made me feel comfortable by preventing any attention from being drawn to the things I didn't like about myself- how I was underweight, how little muscle I had, among other things. I also never took to any kind of physical activities, despite my parents attempting to get me into sports, due in part to asthma. However, one that always did fascinate me, and that even to this day I want to learn, was Skateboarding. However, as a shy, socially unskilled, non-athletic, closeted child-to-tweenager, I was never willing to approach anyone who skateboarded- for reasons that I hope are obvious, given what I just established- and for a number of reasons, I had no faith in my ability to teach or learn myself. I was also afraid of injuring myself, and of being perceived as disrespectful or breaking rules. I had an interest in alternative music, but was unwilling to explore that interest out of a desire to not draw attention to myself, and a lack of faith in my ability to actually learn about it properly.

In short, though I wasn't able to put this into words at the time, and only understood this recently, I wanted to be emo- alternative, perhaps is the better word, but the nuances of each facet of the community are beyond me (Hopefully for reasons I've made understandable)- but I was too afraid to express that, or seek out others who weren't that could help me along that path. Even now, I'm struggling with that- and I'm about halfway to 21.

With that context, I think it's easier to this feeling- this sort of yearning for a past I never experienced. It's not that I want to live in the past, or that I wish I had BEEN there- all too likely, it wouldn't have been a good experience for me, given how shy and awkward and repressed I was, and the fact that I'm queer, and it was the early 2000's, which was not a great time to be queer, even in the alternative community- but what I DO wish is that I could go back and see it, at least. To go back and, in some way, be a part of that community, that scene, even if just as an observer. Reading through the book, which is full of interviews with the members of bands I've never heard of but would love to know more about, talking about a culture I have never been witness to or part of but have idolized all my life, it incites such an odd feeling. I'm not sure if I've ever had a normal relationship with nostalgia- it's almost exclusively unpleasant, melancholic at best and outright depressing at worst, but I would describe this feeling- whatever it would be called- as quite similar to nostalgia. A sister to it, we'll say. It's a culture that does not, and cannot, exist in the same way it did then- and even among the evolved form of the community that exists today, I feel like an outsider, as I lack a lot of what would be considered the baseline of the community's shared interest (There's probably a better way to phrase that, but I can't think of it right now). No one has gone out of their way to make me feel that way, it's an internal feeling- but one I don't know how to overcome. I want to try and bridge that perceived gap, illusion though it may well be, and gain that knowledge, that community- to do what it takes to feel like I belong, embracing the culture, the music, the fashion- but I feel scared to, for a number of reasons. I feel afraid that I'll do it wrong on my own, and don't want to impose on anyone to ask them to be my mentor. I feel afraid that it will negatively affect how people see me, and make them think I'm someone or something I'm not. I feel afraid that I won't like how I change, that it won't feel right, that I'll regret it- but I know that I've resonated deeply with it all my life, and that there's little chance of me feeling that way. I feel afraid that I won't be accepted by other members of the community, that I'll be rejected by them, because I don't have that experience- that I allowed myself to be perceived as "Normal", or whatever term is fitting, and that because of that, I don't and will never belong.

I know none of these things are true, but they're obstacles I don't know how to overcome. And this feeling only makes that feel worse. I'm afraid to take even small steps, and I'm not even sure I know what steps I would want to take. I'm not sure I even know myself well enough to try and be "The person I want to be"- because I'm not sure I know myself well enough to know what that is. I never gave myself the chance to figure that out, and now, I'm not sure I know how to do that. After all, I don't even know how to form genuine connections with people- the friendships I do have feel like they came into my life by chance, and even though I value them immensely and know that they are real, true friendships, I often feel like we don't have a connection deep enough to be considered that real- I don't know that I know what a connection like that would be. I've never let myself form connections like that.

I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore; I think I lost the plot at some point, but I wanted to put these thoughts into words. I hope this finds someone who resonates with it, and makes them feel better in some way; that it makes them feel less alone, and helps them with these feelings. I don't know what else to say; I guess that's all.

[orbital-inclination]

Nightmare/Rem’s reference and tiny doodle dump for my MoltenDreams au!  og dreamtale @.jokublog   ramble under cut!

I didn’t want to deviate Nightmare’s personality too much from what makes OG Nightmare Sans so fun to play with. Though softer and more sensitive than his OG counterpart, they do share some similarities. 

General Stuff

Moltendreams!Nightmare Aka Rem or Remy, is a smug bastard. he likes winning and is a brat about it.

still a massive nerd and book worm

prefers reading to socializing

a die hard introvert

he is brooding and intimidating when he wants to be

is prone to reading until odd hours of morning if left unsupervised

He’s an excellent swordsmen, %50 self taught

a patient stagiest 

He is more hesitant than OG Nightmare but thanks to Dream’s presence and continued support, he is more open and expressive of his feelings

still doesn't like talking about them though, he’s just worse at hiding it 

still a grump

surprisingly tempermental

in this au, negativity, when touched by Rem, has a starry aesthetic instead of a slimy/inky one

Rem is at his strongest only when the world is at it’s bleakest. he essentially plays the role of a figure who only appears during the world’s darkest hour

Sword Stuff

his sword is a physical object imbued with his magic and negativity. he recharges it by drawing on the negative side of an au or the hatred, fear or grief of beings nearby

in a similar way, Rem can spread negativity by first charging his blade, than plunging it into the “heart” of an AU. This heart can be a physical place in the world, the code itself, or it might be a person. (ex. if the story is about/centers around a happy Asriel, Frisk or Sans for example, Rem will turn the au negative by plunging his sword through their soul.)

when Rem’s Sword is fully charged it cannot hurt you physically or effect your HP, with the exception of Aus where HP represents HOPE. (in that case then, yeah, it will hurt you.) instead, it influences your emotions, unlashing feelings that were bottled up or repressed. 

if the Sword is in “Idle” mode, it WILL physically hurt because it is still a sword

if its Rem’s intention to, he can also force a sense of dread or hopeless onto a person/au that lingers like a bad flu. He can and will do this on occasion, but he doesn’t like to. (he feels really bad about it afterwards)

Design Notes:

His colors are bluer in hue to visually tell the viewer he is a gentler variant

The direction of the crescent moon on his circlet/crown does not matter and doesn't reflect anything. im just lazy

his cloak is very cozy and warm and you are very lucky if he lets you wear it

[deepperplexity]

So, I can barely believe you darlings have gotten me to 91% of my Ko-fi goal - that's crazy and I am so thankful for all your amazing support 😭💜 I do have a few words to share because of some DM's I've been getting - it's a tad long, sorry loves 👉👈

If you've been along for a little while (and recently) you probably know I'm working extremely hard towards my goal of becoming a full-time author - writing my own worlds, creating my own characters, and developing my own twisted plots with emphasis on emotions and sensations as you all seem to love (myself included). And, every cent you donate in support of my writing shenanigans goes towards that dream goal of mine.

I am trying to turn over every dollar I have to scrape and save enough for an editor and I greatly underestimated that cost but my goal of $500 remains on Ko-fi as that's what I've been striving to reach for about 1.5 years now - even if I now know I need $1500.

HOWEVER, with that said I have had some worried fic readers slide into my DM's wondering if I'll abandon the world of fanfiction now that I am pouring all my time and energy into this dream.

No.

I will not.

I am here, I have been here (on this Tumblr) since 2013 and I'll be here 2053 too. I am writing fanfiction and I will never stop loving the fandom world - gosh, I'm hoping my own creations will inspire fandom worlds!

Fanfiction is a creative outlet, where I can do all the crazy, senseless, fun, sporadic, erratic, and ridiculously illogical stuff I cannot put in my original writing in the same manner. Fandom is my home, where I found a family and amazing friends. So no, I'm not going anywhere.

I'm right here, and here is where I'll stay. Just in a less intense way, but still here.

If you've read this entire ramble, damn, kudos to you for that. But, you probably know I usually give something to those who read allllll the way through my text post, oh, that's why you're here, isn't it little darling of mine? Okay, here's your reward: Snape's heart does a summersault each time you call him a good man, his knees grow weak when you openly claim him as yours with kisses he pretends to be annoyed by, and when you gently kiss the spot right below his ear he goes hard as a rock in one second flat, you have that effect on him. He's affected by you in a manner bordering on insanity, because he loves you like none other.

Now, with that out of the way, if you want more of my writing please, please, please consider supporting my writing by reblogging it. If you wish to make my week, most likely drawing a little squeal out of me, I'd very much appreciate a coffee over on Ko-Fi ☕💜

Don't forget about RICKMAS too! Lots of goodies coming your way in December and the promptlist drops 18th of November - tag yourself so you don't miss out!

(Also, if you don't buy me a coffee do not feel like you can't like, comment or reblog this! I am just super grateful for all and any kind of support from you darling! 💜)